Because It's Motha Fuckin Friday

It's the weekend again and I am alone. During the week, there are plenty of people calling me, asking me to do things, and wanting me around. But why, when the weekend comes does everyone dissapear? Why has it taken me so long to figure out? The people they want to be around are unavailable during the week - as I should be. It stresses me out working 40+ hours a week, while taking time to give a person a ride here, walk a dog there, and meet someone here & there. While I think to myself during the week, I will work out after work every night, I will eat healthy, I will watch this show...I get home and its another story. On a weekday, someone always needs me to help them with something, and not even just after work, most of the time during work hours, and I say yes - when I should say no - because then I end up multi-tasking and working 40+ hours a week, juggling it all and I believe I am making friends and helping people. But then, Friday comes - I am excited. Time to do whatever I want with the people I multi-task for during the week!!! WRONG. I never see those people during the weekend. I spend that time alone. And most of the time broke, because I have spent my time and resources on people during the week and not myself...so there is no money for me to take myself out, no energy to want to go out, no energy to even want to because I am deflated and flabergasted every Friday that the people I have lost sleep over, spent too much money on, and overall jeopardized my career for want nothing to do with me on the weekends. The moral of the story is the problem lies in me. I am tired of hearing that. What happens to those manipulative people who know they are doing this to me and know I have no choice but to get up and keep working those 40+ hours a week and have no life of my own after they take all they can from me during the week? Nothing happens to them - they have a great weekend with the people they really care about (and that dont really care about them) and then they come crawling back to me. Knowing I havent met anyone over the weekend because I have been too busy being sad and broke and I wont during the week because I have work and chores and sleep to get. At some point, I grew up, and those around me my age never did. I lost my true friends to new families of their own. I even lost my family to new families of their own. It's hard to meet people when you are in my situation. The new families are a unit of their own and dont exactly encourage a single girl to join them all the time aka the third wheel is never welcome. That's hard when it is your mom or sister you have now become the third wheel to. I am in between so many things, but too old to be in between anything. I've tried very hard lately to be satisfied with what I have now and to be comfortable in my place in life. I am a realist. We are only here once and I dont believe in heaven and I dont believe in GOD. I believe we are just mammals, organisms, atoms, and in the scheme of the universe, we as individuals, really mean nothing. I do wonder why the universe created consciousness, because only consciousness allows suffering? Obviously I am suffering from loneliness, abandonment, and grief. But I guess that I just part of the mutations that allowed humans to be what we are today, the evolution of emotions are really what built the life we know today. And I guess if you think of it in terms of evolution, I have been left behind because I am not the best partner to mate with, the best companion to survive the mutations with, and certainly I have genes that do not need to be passed onto the next generation. With that same statement I can condradict myself and to quote the error message in Microsoft excel "circular reference", I will say that maybe I am doing my part in this circle of life. I am doing the work and passing my earnings off to others who are more fit to reproduce in this ridiculous world we live in. They will pass on the genes of living off of others and taking all they can get until nothing is left - I suppose that is what is supposed to happen if the world and universe as we know it will someday implode on itself.

Sex & the City Reruns Make me Feel Old

Recently E!, or rather for the past several years, has been playing Sex & the City reruns in the afternoons. I work from home so I frequently turn it to E! for background noise, but recently, I have started being drawn in to the episodes. It captivates me because I first watched the episodes at 21 years old and thought "those ladies are old" & "I'll never have to deal with this." I thought that, because at 21, I could captivate my 21 year old boyfriend to watch 6 seasons with me back-to-back and he didnt bat an eye....at 32....1 episode on TV sends they guy that is present in the room with me while watching it running. My 21 year old self watching the episodes thought the girls were in their 40's. Old and struggling for love. I was 21. I had my love. Or so I thought. My 32 year old self watches the episodes and cringes thinking the girls were in their 40s because I now realize they were my age or younger for the most part. Then I look back and think that my 21 year old self believed that if only those women found love, then they would be happy. That is what the show makes you think. And like I said I thought I had it. But now watching it at 32 years old, I see that these women look pathetic. And I hate it because it is a reflection of society, society believes that women need men to be happy. That just isn't true. I am 32 years old, and yes, I do wish I had a constant companion, a soulmate, but I find myself happiest when I am free. Free - to do my own thing, hang out with who I want. Free - to have only those people in my life who respect what I say when I say it the first time. Free - to be me.

Growing Up & Dealing w People Who Don't

It is Friday night. I'm distracted because I want to write so bad, but the songs I have playing on my Pandora have made me think of things outside of what I originally booted up the laptop for and came to the site to write about. I guess I finally realized what capitalism is...I had been an advocate of it. Because it's selling points are nice. However, when you take a deep dive into the heart and soul of capitalism is on an every day basis you can see it sells a idealism that will only be the demise of the United States or any other "democracy" that attempts to carry on as a "democracy" We get statistics daily how most of the United States population is on drugs. They are - and that is what happens in wealthy societies. And that is what also causes the demise. I get it. Cut government aid. Make the people work harder for a decade or so. Oh...you did that. An entire entitled generation lived at home..never left the nest. Thanks government. You are turning us into China - not a democracy because its really just socialism...in the early stages. I hate that I live in a time where it is on the way down and not on the way up. No one has faith in the government...did you educate us too much? Nope..probably not. Cycles. It all goes in cycles. Just born at a shitty time. But all of us born in this time want to reap the benefits of the times before us. Im contradicting myself. Maybe. A little bit. Not so much.

need money now